Cockneys vs Zombies
Plot: Slow moving, stupid, unintelligible & violent the Cockney outbreak has been going on for centuries
luckily a tomb sealed in the 17th century is uncovered by a couple of building site workers ignoring the warnings & the fact that its somebodies final resting place the 2 evil doers break in to rob treasure.
The tomb contains the living dead who take on the Evil cockneys.
Across town other Evil Cockneys are attempting an armed robbery (because they need the money for their old grandad whose care home is to be shut down - that's alright then it fully justifies teaming up with a psycho & pointing loaded weapons at innocent people to steal money).
The robbery goes pear shaped & a zombie apocalypse is taking place how will these losers save grandad now?
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| Cockneys V's zombies whose side you on |
Is it good: Yes. Zombie comedies get bad press, not sure why as there are some great ones out there. (See Zombie comedies) Maybe I'm biased as the first Zombie movie I ever saw was Return of the living Dead (1985) that movie was beyond awesome.
If you love cockneys your in for a treat this is in fact full of cockneyness. An old loud mouth geezer, Eastenders actors, red double decker, cockney rhyming bollocks & of course Dexter Fuckin Fletcher the only thing its missing is Danny Dyer. Even is you hate Cockney's & you think anyone who ends a sentence with "its because I'm a geeza" deserves to die, they do lots of them.
The film is weighted on the cockney side as the story is about the youngsters attempts to save Grandads home & the zombie outbreak just happens adding to the things in their way. So it does take a while for the zombies to turn up. When they do its worth the wait the gore level is pretty high.
The acting is spot on Andy, Terry & Katy (Treadaway, Hardiker & Ryan), bounce of each other well & While grandad (Alan Ford playing it like brick top) marshals the old guns well.
The comedy works Richard Briers outrunning a shuffling zombie in a zimmer frame and Mental Mickey (Ashley Thomas) mustache disguise had me laughing for ages for some reason. He is too much of a bad guy to survive but I was rooting for him. Plus Honor Blackman & her no longer glorious pussy with a semi automatic weapon you can't go wrong
Turdige: Distinct lack of nudity for a B-movie . Couple of ropy action scenes are badly cut but without the budget its to be expected. Plus the end was just a waste of ammo. Comm'n Ryan get em out they look awesome trapped but I'm sure Bionic woman would have got a 2nd series if we had just got a glimpse.
Overall: Off work ill, I watched CVZ, it cheered me up no end. It may have been helped by the mixture of legal drugs & super strength benylin but still I would recommend it big time. Remember if you get bitten by a Cockney you will turn into a Cockney .
Director:Matthias Hoene
Cast: Harry Treadaway, Rasmus Hardiker, Michelle Ryan, Alan Ford, Richard Briers
US
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Guns, Gangsters & Zombies
Plot: A loooooong van ride across a zombie hit England. The Gangsters don't seem particularly worried about family & friends as they run from a botched bank robbery with a gun shot victim among them, at the onset of a zombie apocalypse to a safehouse. The group don't find getting to the safe house easy as a few zombie related mishaps (Gun toting grandmas & the medieval undead) divert them & when things go wrong can the gangsters really trust each other.Gangsters is a bit of a stretch with these plebs. Q (The driver) narrates us through an opening (Lock stock style) credits to a van ride into the apocalypse
Is it good - Difficult to say I messes up with this one by watching it straight after CVZ, although they are very similar there is a world of difference in the feel & the budget.
The acting is pretty mediocre but these are not established actors apart from Huggy Leaver (Tony - The boss) Whos been in a few things including Lock Stock so its unfair to compare. The obvious hero Q (Vincent Jerome) is probably the most natural & comes a cross well, Crazy Steve you take a instant dislike to (poor character & poor acting).
The other 2 Pat & muscles seem like afterthoughts in the background.
By the end of his run crazy Steve had won me over & the scene where they stop for diesel is one of the best in the movie.
I enjoyed the Gun toting grandma & the addition of Cassie does make you empathise with the group more. The fast moving, running zombies & the gore (I don't mind CGI blood splatters) are pretty decent considering the budget. The film leads to an entertaining ending.
Turdige: What seems like an endless boring van journey, its bad enough enduring one yourself but to watch somebody else doing it, its not right, to be fair this is inter-cut by radio announcements about the zombie outbreak & I'm sure it just seemed long & was actually only 10 mins. once again lack of nudity for a B-movie what are they playing at its an easy win.
Overall: Off work I watched this after CVZ, & it cheered me down. So watch this on its own or 1st in a double bill. Its a decent low budget zombie movie
US
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Devil's Playground
Plot: How to make a zombie movie more cockney than Cockney's Vs Zombies, stick Danny Dyer in it of course. This is no comedy though (at least not intentionally) In the near future Rak 295 a new performance enhancing drug comes on the market (For some reason this is allowed, I bet Lance Armstrong is gutted). The drug however his having some side effects it giving people migraines dizziness & oh turning them into psychotic undead killing machines who for some reason all take up parkour. There seems lot going on for your typical running from zombies movieJoe's (Danny Dyer) got his own problems hes a copper on the front page of the Star for slapping some scrote his missus has dumped him its all going wrong. Hes just got out
Joe's Ex Angela (MyAnna Buring) has her own problems as well she still loves him but all her friends think hes a loser & oh yes she was part of the Rak 295 drug trials, she seems the only one not showing side effects, because of this shes being followed by cockney muscle-face Cole (Craig Fairbrass) who wants to steal her blood.
Cole's got his own problems he knows whats going on & some super zombies bit him however he works for the Rak 295 guys & has got his hands on a something to hold it off. He needs to find
Angela fast.
Angela fast.
Through an amazing coincidence Joe, Cole, Angela, her friend the paranoid Lavinia
(Jaime Murray) & her fella (lets call him fingers) end up boxed in Joes mates garage.
They have a plan to escape but will they all make it
They have a plan to escape but will they all make it
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Is it good - Yes, I read some mixed reviews before watching. Most bad ones were concerned with it being a poor rip off of 28 Days later. Who really cares this would be Day 1 & day 1 kicks of big time its action packed, there is a shift which changes when they hit the garage slowing down focusing on paranoia & tension but soon gets back on the action trail with a great mash up of an ending.
Plenty of blood & gore well filmed great atmosphere you genuinely feel they are running for there lives which is the main trick with these movies.
When Fairbrass hits someone with a hammer you genuinely believe they wouldn't be getting back up. Hes a big unit.
Danny Dyer trys his hand a speaking human instead of pure cockney &"Someones just done a reporter" is a great line
Don't get me wrong his film is not going to change the world I don't even think its everything the film makers hoped for but it is good
Turdige: The criminal under use of Sean Pertwee. Not just a charge I make against this movie. The son of Gummage never gets a chance, with the early 90s films like I.D & shopping he should have been a superstar but apart from Dog soldiers hes been hung out to dry Unacceptable.
Anyway his little cameo as the panicky copper with the dodgy mustache is great one of the only light hearted bits in the movie. No nudity its hectic but surely it would have livened up the garage scene, especially since Jaime Murray went all out in Dexter.
Overall: Far from Fantastic or groundbreaking but one of the better lower budget zombie movies Ive seen in in a long time.
Directed by Mark McQueen
Starring MyAnna Buring, Danny Dyer, Craig Fairbrass, Sean Pertwee
USA Rent
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