GODDAMN SHIT SUCKING VAMPIRES

Look into my eyes

Why does nobody love me

Vampires; desperately need a Re-Vamp (PTP) after being brutally dry B.F'd by the (talc) Twilight bullshit.  How do you make the most vicious supernatural killing machine in history camp, make it sparkle, like putting Satan in a Tutu.  
I’m sure they will bounce back though, Vampire  stories have been terrifying people for thousands of years, in almost every civilisation there has been some form of blood sucking demon.   Bram Stokers Dracula  gave people the blue print for the Vampire, and 2 movies based on the text gave the look.  Bela Lugosi in Dracula (1931) is the classic Vampire look everybody defaults too in all kinds of movies, Halloween parties, cartoons pretty much everywhere and Nosferatu (1922) (Obviously based on Dracula but denied/names changed to avoid legal action) gave us a more demonic/animalistic look (most notably fangs) used in films like 30 Days of Night (2007) & when vampires in movies mutate or errrrr flip out.

Vampire films have always been around from the early 1900s cinema Vampire of the Coast (1909) is credited as the first, The Vampire's Trail (1910) was another of many early Vampire films.
 The long series of Hammer films throughout the 60s/70s which I grew up watching endless repeats of in the 80s, with Christopher Lee taking up the classic Dracula look, but adding the missing fangs, first in Dracula (1958) Dracula gets remade once a generation (so we are probably due another one) Francis Ford Coppola’s filmed a terrific version in the 90s. 


 Also in the 90’s Anne Rice was convinced Tom Cruise would ruin her Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994), in the end it was alright but the end summed that whole movie up for me, Christian Slater is listening to the interview on his car stereo & Cruise pops up in the back saying “he always was a moaning fucker” (or something like that, perhaps not a direct quote) That’s exactly right it was Brad Pitt moaning “oh no I’m immortal super powerful good looking fucker boo hoo”, for 2 hours.

If Only

I see she said fuck all about Queen of the Damned (2002) but then she probably didn’t watch it like everyone else (Apart from me, anyone want to buy it, 50p VHS).


People have also associate vampires as a romantic fantasy as in gothic horrors and the fuck awful Twighlight series but also “sexy time”, from the weird Lesbian sub-genres of Hammers Karnstein Trilogy, to the goddamn awesome nakedness of Mathilda May in Tobe (Texas Chain Saw Massacre) Hoopers Lifeforce (1985) & of course the Vampire slaying Buffy.  Also women seem to like these dead blokes too (bloody necrophiliac’s).

                                       

Pink eye

 Vampire comedies sometimes worked from The Fearless Vampire Killers (1967) to  Love at First Bite (1979), Once Bitten (1985) and the not at all funny Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), there were those that took it a step up  Fright Night (1985), The Lost Boys (1987) & From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) mixed action, horror & comedy creating something really cool. 
Different takes on the Vampire turn up every now and then, like when Nic cage wasn’t a useless A list Muppet he overacted impressively in  Vampire's Kiss (1989) a movie in the same vain as Martin (1976) are they Vampires or just deluded mencs.
                                                                                                                                                                          

You wanna see me sparkle bitch

The rules are if you want to make a great film either employ Bill Paxton or Lance Henriksen, if you want to make it fucking perfect cast them together like in Aliens, Terminator and of course Near Dark (1987) a hardcore vampire film that showed vampires as vicious nasty twats rather than romantic Gothic cheese fucks, like the more animalistic viciousness of 30 Days of Night (2007)  

 

Strangely the Vampire killer, in the a lot of these movies, even though they had a pivotal role and really should be the hero were kind usually bland forgettable characters & almost classed as the bad guys who disposed of the more interesting focus of the movie.   Van Helsing was the classic nemesis of Dracula, he was alright, eventually getting his own movie. Van Helsing (2004)





 

Slay me Please

The frog brothers from Lost Boys showed that the Vampire killers could possibly carry a film & Joss Wheton turned cheerleader Buffy into a vampire slayer, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992).  The film & later TV series proved.  Yes, the vampires didn’t have to be the focus of the film & that I could keep Kleenex in business.  Later Blade (1998) took Marvels little known Vampire slaying superhero to the world but apart from the opening scene it was a little weak, Guillermo del Toro ramped this up with Blade II (2002) a much better film.   Del Toro’s earlier vampire movie Cronos (1993) had a interesting take on the Vampire myth with the mainstay of the movie being a vampyiric device that infected people.

                                                                                                                                                                     

In recent years Let the Right One In (2008) and its unusually, not at all bad, American remake has shown you can still put an interesting spin on the vampire story. 



                                                                                                                                                                     

Blue steel

The Asian film maker have been doing  kung Fu horror films for decades but it really kicked in with , Sammo Hungs Encounters of the Spooky Kind (1980), this kind of film was perfected in  without a doubt the greatest Vampire movie of all time is Mr. Vampire (1985) what more could you want than a vampire ghost kung fu horror comedy.  It took a time for Hollywood to catch up but as always they did with the already mentioned Blade & Buffy/Angel franchises employing martial arts skills into there heroes, this may have gone to far with the pretty ok but with terrible sequels Underworld (2003) and the appalling Ultraviolet (2006).
So heres some reviews of vampire films you may not have heard of....  

Sort of good guy vamps

             (2010)

Chinese jumping Vampires awesome

                                                                                                                                                                     
                                                                                                                                           


                           
                                                                                                                                                                      

Got Vampires Who you gonna call. Fuck Blade