Troll Hunter (2010)
Plot: To hunt bears in Norway you need a license (Obviously or it would be cruel???). There seems to be a poacher on the loose and the locals are not happy. A bunch of students take up the story, their investigation leads inevitably to a bloke with a beard (Blatant Beardism).Beardo is living in a grubby looking caravan covered in parsley or something and driving a beat up wounded Land Rover. The students try to to interview him but hes having none of it (Bloody students) so they follow him, bug his caravan try & force him into an interview, pretty much completely invade his privacy. Nosey fuckers get more than they bargained for when they follow him up a hill and meet him running back down shouting "Leg it, TROLL". In the getaway Beardo has a change of heart, through there persistence & the fact they have stumbled on the Trolls he seems to accept there presence & lets them come along on Troll hunts. Turns out hes part of Norway's elite Troll hunting team (of basically one). Under paid & overworked hes disillusioned with life in the public sector, but he's still a one man Troll fucking machine.
Prowling the Norwegian Tundra for the increasingly aggressive trolls will the crew survive & will the Government allow the footage to be released?
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| I Have a Beard & I'm not afraid to use it |
Is it good: Yes. This film is fantastic, It took me 2 years to get round & watch it due to the hype I thought it would be disappointing It wasn't. This movie hits so many highs, the landscapes traveled through in Norway are impressive. The cast are too are impressive & interact with the CGI well, the trolls to some could look ridiculous with their huge noses but I think they fit the Troll mythology & the feel of the film perfectly. Hans the hunter is a great character as the downtrodden tough guy who just gets on with his job like he was a binman. The whole story of a shadowy Govt run Troll division with its red tape & dodgy imported bears.
The film has a nice comedy feel to it which is needed given these are fucking Trolls. The bridge Troll was a brilliant Ironman moment.
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| come on vogue |
Overall: Those guys from Nowayland are producing some great films Cold Prey, Dead Snow, Thale and many more if you can deal with subtitles. A fat 10/10 for this one with 5 beers in you. Watch it now before the Americans remake it.
Director: André Øvredal Cast:Otto Jespersen, Robert Stoltenberg,Glenn Erland Tosterud,Johanna Mørck
UKBLURAY USA Buy/Rent $3.99
Area 407 - (Tape 407) -2012
Plot: Plane crashes are bad FACT... Only one thing can make them worse, some bitch filming the whole fucking thing and maybe a genetically mutated dinosaur creature hunting you if your lucky enough to survive could put a downer on it as well. Welcome to Area 407 the governments latest imaginary testing facility. Some young girl & her sister are hopping a flight, constantly filming the passengers & asking stupid fucking questions the passengers take this better than I would I guess maybe because its New years eve. They take the piss out of a slightly drunk obnoxious bald guy & get chatted up by some dubious (potential kiddy Fiddler) photographer.Its all going Hunky fuckin Dorey till the plane takes a header into the middle of nowhere. The survivors, who all weirdly seem to have blood splatters in the same place, nice consistency make up guys (The 2 girls, baldy, KF & a few others) think the worst is over all we have to do is reclaim our luggage, nick a few bags of peanuts & catch a bus. No because some big fuck off beastie is prowling the badlands. Can they escape the monsters, will they cut there losses and just throw the annoying kid at them. Come on the alive guys got away with eating their friends "People will understand".
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| Fucking EasyJet |
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| Come on were going to die so.... |
Also the screaming & shouting is a bit too over the top somewhere when your mind being hunted by some kind of huge killer beast your survival instinct should kick in & Rule one "Shut the fuck up" Rule 2 "Drop the camera you could use that hand to hold a weapon" but if not we wouldn't have a movie as I'm sure they couldn't afford a steadycam or any kind of descent monster effects by the look of it. Come on they made a better attempt in the 50s with a head on a stick.
Overall: Basically a movie about Karma its all the Camera bitches fault. Enjoyment if drunk enough, still better than the Phantom Menace.
Director: Dale Fabrigar Cast: Abigail Schrader, Samantha Lester, James Lyons, Melanie Lyons, Brendan Patrick Connor
UKUSA Buy/Rent$3.99
The Dinosaur Project (2012)
Plot: Way down deep in the middle of the Congo, there are rumors of a giant "Loch Ness" type creature. The British as they will believe fucking anything decide to fund an expedition, probably from taxpayers money. Ray Mears knock off "Jonathan Marchant" leads the expedition unfortunately for him & us his posh Justin Bieber hair-cutted son, who has been expelled from school, (Probably for self teabagging), will have to tag along.
As it tells us at the start this is a found footage film so a, I would guess doomed, film crew are also along for the ride, including cute medic who gets more attractive the sweatier she gets.
Bollocks Bieber has stowed away on the helicopter & its too late to turn back, so were stuck with him. Some, what look like Pterodactyls, take the chopper down (I can understand not spotting a underwater beast in a river of one of the least explored places on earth but flying fucking reptiles that's a push).
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| They drink it in the Congo |
The survivors must then run, hide and errrr befriend the beasts to survive
Is it good: Yes. Although this could be classed as a family film it is has a creepy atmosphere in parts but for the most part its an action adventure movie that descends into the Lost World the pace carries you with it and to me it was entertaining. The CGI is a lot better than SyFy or Asylum films & the interaction between the actors and the CGI is very good.
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| I was in this film for a bit |
Plus the blonde is offed far too early.
Overall: A pretty good effort I was certainly not bored, defiantly worth an hour and a bit. Although not exactly scarey or Gorey I was expecting a Turkey Fuck of a movie and it defiantly wasn't.
Director: Sid Bennett Cast:Natasha Loring, Richard Dillane, Matt Kane, Peter Brooke
UKDVDBlurayUSA limited
The Lost Coast Tapes (Bigfoot) - 2012
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| Twat number one on the left |
The fence is there, as Drybeck says, due to increased aggression. The increased aggression consists of growling a lot and throwing stuff along with a bit of minor vandalism (possibly just hoodies).
Even though they are paying a small fortune the guys are a bunch of sarcastic, obnoxious, fucks (apart from nice arse). This is found footage will these guys just die PLEASE.
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| Thank God I'm in this Movie |
A lot of running around and shooting ensues.
Is it good: No. The acting is pretty good above American TV acting especially Drybeck who has a Brian Cox kind of vibe. The setting is good it feels like isolated backwoods. The story also is set up nice with a, its quite obvious its a hoax side story (the trapper guy they never talk too). There is one pretty hardcore scene at the end but its a bit stupid. When Kevin says "whats that" & the guy says "its a tree Kevin" was probably the only funny line & Ashley Wood is incredibly attractive, she has been credited as Pretty Woman in an episode of 2 broke girls & Sexy Woman in Sullivan & son (So that's proof enough)
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| Trees thousands of em |
Turdige: Oh plenty, sean and Darryl have got to be the most annoying pair of fucks in cinema history (As its not their acting ability I hope it wasn't being themselves) Nice Arse seems pretty much disinterested in everything that's going on and the little subplot where shes a "sensitive" was as pointless as its impact along with the big foots are protectors. Drybeck gets them up there on the premise he has a juvenile big foot corpse, How do they know its not just a Hobbit and how do we as we never see it even when there 2 foot from the box its in they don't open it because Drybeck says wait there (it would have took 2 seconds & they had traveled 1000 miles to see it & they still thought it was all a scam as if they would not have opened it). The end is just a mess even Drybeck loses it with nothing to work with spending his time running round in the dark randomly shooting nothing. As that is what you see nothing.
The end isn't even really a twist as you have already been talked into it being .
Overall: It just could have been much better, Blair Which proved that even with No effects movies can be creepy and Troll Hunter would have been better than this with no effects. Im a fan of the found footage film and don't particularly care about limitations in budgets as long as some effort is made so I'm unsure if my contempt for the 2 main ballbags put me off the film totally and highlighted its inadequacies more as even with 10 beers in me I would only give it 4. Again there are some good reviews for this film HERE
UKDVD USA DVD/Bluray
Evidence (2011)
Plot: The most annoying fucker in the world is making the most pointless documentary
ever made, not a great start to a movie (A
movie about some fucker nobody knows going camping).
On this camping trip nobody wants,
annoying fucker Ryan
(Ryan McCoy) is somehow, unbelievably, not decapitated buried in a shallow
grave then dug up and his soul eaten by his girlfriend & buddy to make sure
he can never exist in this world or the next.
Maybe they do not need to, some stalking strange happenings are errrr
happening.
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| A camping documentary are you fucking retarded |
The time honored, typical horror
movie standard, young couples drinking and fucking in a remote location then being
“offed” by a mysterious monster/killer takes a serious mental upgrade in this
run for your life, hide and seek (but keep filming at all costs) found footage conspiracy
type, exhaustively paced movie.
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| 2 Snakebites and I spew every time |
Is it good: Yes. If you can get past the
first 20 mins which to be honest is painful and the ridiculous premise of the
most unlikable character in the world having friends and inviting these friends camping
while filming the whole thing even though they and his girlfriend do not
want him to. (Actively wanting to punch his face in)
The build up worked for me, creepy with slightly
escalating incidents even some tits to keep the interest up.(Always a bonus)
The acting isn’t terrible considering its a movie
where the actors have the same names as the characters (slightly worrying) and
the whole thing allegedly cost only an estimated $12K (there
is a lot going on for that).
Once it gets into the story the
plot twists but plot is a stretch it’s a throwaway idea. Basically run hide die but it has good
atmosphere and is fast pace with enough tension to keep you watching and not
get bored.
Get in, the annoying fucker dies
(That’s a spoiler why did you not say spoiler boo hoo my whole life is ruined
by telling me an explanation of a movie, in an explanation of the movie). It’s found footage dick head.
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| I love pancakes |
Turdige: Really I don’t understand why Ryan is filming
(obviously from the film existing we need a premise) he seems to be genuinely
filming it as a documentary to sell but why would anyone buy it (It makes no
sense it’s the Wookie defence).
The film is very schizophrenic the jump from the
classic stalker creature to all out mutant zombie monster conspiracy weirdness
is not bad in itself (in fact it improves the movie) but a lot of people do not
like. It’s surprisingly difficult to go
from nothing happening to pretty much everything in horror happening at once
but I was drunk (that helped).
Overall: Like Area 407 without the plane crash and
with added interesting stuff actually happening, the shaky cam was not overly
tumour inducing, all in all creepy rather than gore filled and a satisfactory
climax. (perv)
Director: Howie Askins Cast: Ryan McCoy, Brett Rosenberg, Abigail Richie, Ashley Bracken, Zack Fahey, Blaine Gray
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